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series two and a bit
http://20six.co.uk/jdaykin
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stuff i blogged
all gone
so this was fun... but you do understand it's ALL about facebook these days right... jerry daykin, find me on there 
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paint the town red, and yellow, and green and blue...
wow... i trust you all saw the beautiful Bravia advert with the millions of bouncing balls... all real you know, no CG involved.. well they've done it again... only this time with 70,000 litres of pain and a tower block... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2N909p5309Q&eurl=
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Desperate House Husband
As the new series of Desperate Housewives begins over in the States (God bless my US iTunes account) it dawns on me again just how domesticated I am... Whilst browsing through the Harrods website the other day (I think it was the morning before I went to visit the gents down at the Oxford and Cambridge club now I ponder it) I found the most delightful cutlery. Now see I really do like good cutlery and in fact last time I was in Harrods (with my ballroom dancing partner Kate) I had an indepth discussion with one of the staff there about our tastes in cutlery and how tacky we thought the golden stuff looked. The link's stupidly long, so you'll have go look at the Harrods silverware collection to find it... Carrs New York, its pretty front page worthy. That's simply scrummy right? A couple of key things to note... it looks absolutely beautiful... it'll go wonderfully with my modern looking square plates... its at a bargainous 70% off (now I only want the stainless steel version so have a click round and you'll find a 124 piece set for just £350) but most curiously... it has a light musk scent and comes with a firming body lotion. Well I've assured my friend Bex this is merely a website error and the cutlery is in fact not scented but I shall endeavour to pop down to the shop floor and find out for myself this weekend...
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coke + free itunes = many musical toilet trips
finally a legitimate way to finance my coke habbit... on offer at two for £1.29 at my local store, the mini bottles cost me just 64.5p each... but then each comes with a free itunes download, worth 79p. I'll inevitably get through that many itunes downloads in a couple of months so its like discounted music and free drink... bargain! i have just bought 10... to start with
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toast of the bunch
When Krups the Komplicated Koffee machine woke up this morning he noticed instantly that the vision of his sleep-filled eyes was obscured by a large blue monolith... 'how odd' thought Krups... who turned to Kath the rather kalm kettle for some sort of an explanation.
Krups himself was pretty new around these parts and couldn't quite remember if large blue monoliths were a regular feature of Saturday morning's or something of note. Kath, who didn't often say much, didn't say anything which led Krups to believe she was either asleep, shocked into silence, being slightly rude or unable to speak Coffee Machine.
Krups turned instead to Timmy the timely toaster who always had a knack of popping up at the right time, 'surely he'll know' thought Krups.
'Morning' said Krups
'Awight, How do?' said Timmy
'Good morning' said Kath, which greatly surprised Krups who had long since suspected that she was either asleep, shocked into silence, being slightly rude or unable to speak Coffee Machine.
'Allo Allo Allo' said Oliver the old oven, which greatly surprised everyone who had never heard of a talking oven before.
'HELLO EVERYBODY!' cheered the blue monolith, which led to a few tired, surprised and grimmacing faces.
'Morning Krups, Timmy, Kath and Oliver' said Harry the homely hob.
'Morning Harry' replied Krups, Timmy, Kath and Oliver.
*BOOINNG*
Everyone looked to Timmy expecting to see a crisp slice or two of toast protruding from his head, but none was to be found. 'Look!' mumbled Krups, doing his best to use his jug handle to point to the blue monolith... he's got toast in him!!
The blue monolith turned slowly to face the others, and they were universally relieved and simultaneously terrified to see the huge great smile that he had.
'Hi guys!' he chirped 'I'm Gary the toaster!'
'Well' thought Timmy, 'the cheek of it! I'm the only toaster in this counter...'
'How odd' said Krups, ' i thought everyone round here's name alliterated!'
'Quite!' said Timmy, 'and what are you so happy about anyway?'
'Funny you should ask!' cheered Gary, 'I'm Gary the gluten-free griller! I'm just happy cos i've got none of that dirty gluten in me'
And the appliances nodded slowly, turned away and got back to their own business. Not much later Gary was picked up by one of the giant folk and placed on a really high shelf by the door to the great beyond.
'Well, well' said Timmy, 'I hope he's not gonna be touting for my business!'
'No, no' replied Krups, who's smarmy, know-it-allness was already wearing a bit thin, 'I think they'll still be using you, you see IT'S JUST GLUTEN FREE STUFF THAT GETS TOASTED IN GARY THE GLUTEN FREE GRILLER!'
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money saving toilet humour
its been a while since i blogged but fear not - this time has not been wasted! i have devoted every waking minute to producing a guide to saving money for those of us struggling to keep our budgets on a leash, it is thus with great pleasure that i offer you tip number one: money saving toilet humour the number one money saving tip i could ever offer you is summed up in two beautifully monosyllabic words: 'bog roll'. yes toilet paper is, for most people, by far the greatest ongoing luxury expense and also one of the ones that we are least conscious of. for generation after generation our ancestors have gone without the fluffy quilted feel of the andrex puppy's favorite roll and yet to us to do so is appauling. clearly however, it's far from ideal to completely neglect one's hygiene, or in fact to continually self deficate, so i have a couple of suggestions that might help you out:
explore the wonders of nature... sure pooing in the countryside might be a liberating (if nettley) experience, but there's no where you can poo where others wont someday follow so i'd really discourage it, but nature's orchard of naturally grown wet wipes is ripe for the picking. have a wonder through your garden and pick a few leaves (waxy ones are best avoided, except perhaps for the final wipe) or head down to a forest, bag in hand, and pick a week's supply (and get some fresh air and exercise whilst you're at it). much as i believe in recycling i'd strongly recommend picking fresh leaves and not getting them off the floor where an army of other animals may already have used them (and of course decomposition leads to a crumbly arse experience).
consider the beeeday (sp)... yes it's no wonder i can't spell the darn word, when was the last time you saw someone using one? urr, scrap that, when was the last time you thought about using one? my point entirely... and it's not a completele coincidence that Beyonce's new album shares its title with the scarcely found (and even scarclier used) bum fountain, beeeeeedays are back in a big way. why waste paper/trees/trees wiping ur arse when the wonder of water can willingly wash away all but the most stubborn of residues... sure the more polite in society know full well that the bottom fountain really serves only to finish off a job well done but why not push the boat out and try for the full experience... those of you who sadly don't have a bottom fountain can improvise with the shower, or simply use your hand and later rinse under a tap.
of course both of those previous ways (the latter parts of the latter especially) are hideously disgusting... in fact you'd be much better off just going for the 'single sheet' as opposed to '20 sheet roll up' approach... the effort is less and the end results just as good. of course for the cheeky and liberal handed amongst us (now, now, this is no smut) there's always the option of the office roll... feel free to help yourself to an occasional top up on your way home and never need buy one again. moral outrage about such pilfering aside the fact remains that few of us are employed by bosses willing to splash out on a roll more comfortable than the pull out sections in the free newspapers we get through the door... result? well unless you work in a quilted-velvet-touting big city firm you're best off raiding your neighbours recylcling bins on the big day... and if you do work in a quilted-velvet-touting big city firm its time you reread dickens' a christmas carol and worked out why scrouge's life was somewhat lacking.
UPDATE: thanks to everyone who's e-mailed in with the suggestion of using the andrex puppy to do the job... to each and every one of you i have this to say: 'YOU ARE SICK!'. fur, tail or tongue, each way substantially worse that the one before and none in the least bit attractive. your details will be forwarded to the rspca forthwith...
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